“She just needs to focus. Then, she could get her work done on time.”
Such a benign quote probably doesn’t cause seething anger to burn in your gut and instantly raise your blood pressure as it does for me. I heard this years ago in an IEP meeting about my child’s ever-growing pile of unfinished work. At the time, I was holding my fourth grader’s writing sample in my hand. In the paragraph she wrote about whales as a response to a text, the word “whales” was phonetically spelled differently in every sentence (e.g., wails, wales, wayls, wals). Most sight words were written with the letters in backward order, “eht” for the and “rof” instead of for. At that moment, I was livid. I couldn’t understand how the teacher didn’t recognize the immense focus, effort, and energy it took my child to produce this writing. She was so incredibly focused on that task that it left her exhausted.
Later in that meeting, my daughter shared her process for generating that written response. She explained, “First, I think about my answer. Then, I try to find words that are easier to spell when I write them. Then, as I write, I keep changing the words because I worry I still can’t spell them right. Eventually, I give up and just try to figure out how to finish as fast as possible.” My daughter’s explanation of her thinking process led everyone in the room to realize how much energy and focus had led to the subpar response we had all been looking at. It also helped us all understand that not only did the work not represent her actual understanding of the content, but she wasn’t proud of the work she turned in either. It was just the best she could do to jump through the hoop put in front of her in that moment.
Many students who struggle with anxiety, learning disabilities, or any challenge without physical features face this reality every day. No one knows your struggles unless you tell them, and when you tell people about those struggles, many see you as overdramatic or making excuses. No one questions that a person in a wheelchair can’t walk up the stairs and needs a ramp, but with mental health and learning disabilities, there is always some level of doubt that leaves you with the constant burden of proof.
So, what can we do to help?
Unfortunately, there is no single perfect solution to this problem, since every child and situation is different. The best thing we can do is focus on building trusting relationships with all kids. Remembering that behavior is communication. It is vital that, as adults, we don’t make assumptions. It is easy to label a student as lazy when, in reality, that student may be overwhelmed, fearful of failure, and actually doing the best they can.
I have a core belief that no one wakes up in the morning with the goal of failing. So, when a child is struggling, asking questions and gathering all the information is essential before making judgments or offering suggestions. Helpful questions in these conversations might include:
- What are the steps you need to take to complete this assignment?
- What might be a good first step to start this task?
- What feels overwhelming when you think about this assignment?
- What can I do to help you get started?
- What part of this assignment are you the most comfortable with?
- What do you know about this topic that would be helpful?
These specific questions have two qualities that make them an exceptionally good place to start a conversation. All of them have positive presuppositions, which means they are intentionally worded to assume positive intent. Asking questions like these communicates that I think you are doing your best and that I genuinely care. They also convey that the person you are asking has valuable knowledge or thoughts that will help you work together to accomplish this task. These questions are also open-ended, meaning they cannot be answered with a simple yes or no response. This means these questions can start a conversation and not lead to a dead end with a one-word response.
Conclusion
When interacting with a student who is struggling to complete or even start a task, it is helpful to always assume positive intent and ask questions. The most important person to include in the problem-solving process is the person who is struggling. Only they truly know how they feel and which aspects of a task are challenging. We don’t need to walk in their shoes; we just need to walk with them in support.