“In order to empathize with someone’s experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it, and not how you imagine their experience to be.” -Brené Brown
From Listening to Empathizing
Last year, I got a new student. Upon reading his IEP, I was concerned about how he might fit into my class. According to the previous teacher, he “intentionally sought out students to harm when acting out” and “frequently refused to transition from one activity to the next.” Both statements made me anxious. I wondered how I would meet this student’s needs.
About a week later, Joey* arrived in my self-contained classroom. He turned out to be a great fit! He was not without his quirks, but honestly, can any of us say we are without quirks? Joey looked at his schedule every morning. He even carried it with him as he read over every student’s schedule in the class. Joey heavily relied on the visual timer we used. It showed the length of each lesson and the time until the next transition. Joey also needed 5-minute and 2-minute reminders that a transition was coming. If Joey wasn’t going to be able to finish in the allotted time, it was essential to identify a good stopping point with him as we got close to the transition. After some trial and error, we added a clip in his workspace that said, “See you later, alligator!” with a picture of an alligator. If Joey didn’t finish, he now had a specific place to put work still in progress and know that he would return to finish later.
What does it mean to empathize with a child’s behavior?
As a parent of two children with disabilities and a special education teacher, I have spent countless hours trying to decipher the meaning of a child’s behavior, wondering why the child in front of me is emotionally exploding. I have always taken pride in my perspective that all behavior is communication and my ability to analyze a child’s behavior to determine what support they need. Reading this quote made me think that listening is different than empathizing. As I analyze and interpret students’ behavior, do I think about my version of a child’s experience or their perspective?
Empathizing Can Lead to Successful Communication
Let’s dig into empathizing with behavior, just like verbal communication. Let’s consider Joey’s IEP and my observations of him in my classroom. I think that Joey’s original teacher was trying to write an IEP that objectively described some of Joey’s struggles. Occasionally, we saw some of the behavior she documented, but I noticed that her description of Joey’s behavior was told from the perspective of what she saw and heard. As a teacher or parent, I know that I will never be able to read a child’s mind, but context is everything. I wonder if the teacher considered Joey’s behaviors from the perspective of what Joey was experiencing. As Brené Brown suggests, considering Joey’s perspective is necessary for empathy.
No teacher or parent is perfect, and I have failed to empathize with many students. Given the information in his IEP and Joey’s success with the additional support in my classroom, Joey may have found other students’ activities, movements, and schedules stressful in his previous classroom. If he felt a student was doing the wrong thing or going somewhere he wanted to go, Joey was highly reactive and quick to get emotional. Perhaps this is why he took so much time in the mornings studying everyone’s schedule for the day and comparing it to his own. Knowing when his turn for an activity would be and seeing the same item on their schedule and his own in different places may have helped him have more successful and positive social interactions with other students.
Joey was also a meticulous worker; tasks usually took him longer than other students. This meant he was committed to completing a task and didn’t want to leave it unfinished. It took some time, but with his alligator clip, Joey rarely became upset or physical when transitioning.
While the statements in the IEP were written from the teacher’s observations and meant to be helpful for all of the educators Joey worked with, I believe they missed what Joey was really trying to communicate. After doing my best to empathize with Joey, I think he was trying to convey that he needs a predictable schedule. It is helpful for him to see how his schedule compares with other students in the class. He always wants to do his best and finds it very stressful to leave a task unfinished. Empathizing with Joey in my classroom helped me identify his needs and specific supports to meet those needs.
Empathizing means “believing as they see it.”
Empathizing with a person’s behavior means that we have to go deeper than surface level. I believe Brené Brown’s quote asks us to take the time to make our best effort to see through that person’s eyes what they were thinking, feeling, and experiencing in that moment. Regarding the children I work with, I can’t just name the behavior I see. I need to see what that child is experiencing and understand why they are exhibiting that behavior. Only then can I help solve the problem and support the child.
*The student’s name has been changed to protect his privacy.